You Know You're Getting Older When...

“Forget health food. I’m at an age where I need all the preservatives I can get.” ~ Email forward.



“Right this way girls,” he said as he led us to our table.

“Girls” ? Seriously? Expecting a big tip, was he? Of course, for that compliment alone, we would have given him a kidney.

As the waiter fanned out the menus on the table, five pairs of hands groped in their purses for reading glasses. Arms stretched out, eyes squinted, heads tilted back, all the while grumbling about poor lighting and fonts the size of fleas.

We scanned the options on the menu. I had a low-salt diet. One of us couldn’t have anything fatty. Another was vegan. The one who wasn’t, was lactose-intolerant. Go figure. The fifth one had no diet restrictions whatsoever, and being a really good - and skinny - friend, we hated her guts.

After the waiter took our order, we started catching up on news. In the old days, it was gossip. After we got married and started popping out babies, the conversation revolved around diapers, nap times and play dates, moved on to homework, soccer practice and carpools, later to GPAs, SATs and college choices. The kids finally moved out and while at first we commiserated about being empty nesters, we were now thrilled to live our own lives...and enjoy a clean house. Happy when they fly in for a visit...happier when they fly back out.

Now the discussion is how old age sucks. We commisserate about falling hair, sagging boobs, failing eyesight, muffin tops, acid reflux, arm flab, knee pain, back pain, muscle pain. Before you could say Glucosamine Chondroitin, the topic had moved on to what we take for what. Recommendations, opinions, warnings and advice fly back and forth. Suddenly we have five doctors who hate taking medicine and want to try everything ‘natural’ and 'organic', each one swearing what they take works miracles. Shark liver oil for arthritis. Flax-seed for heart disease. Kanthil for sore throats. Vicks on the soles of your feet. And amla apparently beneficial for everything.

We take notes. We exchange ideas. We argue. We have no time for the little things in life like reading or breathing. We are too busy making brews, juices, smoothies and concoctions with methi and flax seeds. Açai berries and cranberries. Stevia and psyllium husks. Wheatgrass and kefir grain. Hemp and pomegranate seeds.

There are side effects of course. The extra turmeric (antiseptic, anti-bacteriaI, antioxidant, anti-inflammatory) I throw in our food turns everything yellow. I show them my jaundiced fingernails. The coriander juice (diuretic, promotes digestion, has chelating properties) I drink every day has stained my teeth and my skin the color of Shrek. The iron tablets have exacerbated my anal retentive personality. I would take the gingko biloba tablets for improving my memory, except I keep forgetting to take them.

By dessert we had moved on. Homeopathy and Ayurveda. Acupressure and Aromatheraphy. Reflexology and Reiki.

Substitution and Supplements.

Substitution. Aah. The things I have swapped to live a few more years.
I have switched from regular milk to soy milk. I spread raw honey (anti-bacterial, anti-fungal, anti-viral) instead of jam (additives, preservatives, sugar, sugar, sugar). Bran flakes instead of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Warm water instead of cold water. Herbal tea instead of coffee. Weird how they have rehab centers for drug addicts and alcoholics and nothing for ex-espresso drinkers.

Suplements. Vitamins and Calcium. Glucosamine and Omega 3. Mini aspirin and
Vitamin D tablets. Most of them the size of domino pieces.

Used to be that my post-prandial pleasure was pulling out a box of Lindt chocolates.

I now pull out another kind of box. This one is from CVS and has S,M,T,W,Th,F, and S carved on the front.