School Kids Categorized

Here’s a Proposition for Parents from an Instructional Aide in Middle School: Could I request you to tick off which category your genius child fits into?

•  The Talker: Talks non-stop. Verbal diarrhea. Jabber Jaws does not raise hand. Yells out answers. Interrupts the teacher constantly. Is duct-taping illegal? 
• The Noise-Maker: Related to the Talker. Slams books. Sighs. Yawns loudly. Hums. Drums on desk. Clicks pen. The only noise allowed is the sound of me pounding his head on the desk. Sorry. Got a bit carried away. 
• The Nose-Picker: Self-explanatory. Fascinated with his/her own booger. Will scrutinize it, and finger it, tactile play-dough. It’s when it is ingested, is when I run outside to find a place to vomit. 
• The Spoiled Brat: Aren’t we in the OC? Cell phone goes off in class. I go over to confiscate the Blackberry. When I was eleven, I was got a new pencil-box. Blackberry kid starts arguing with iPhone 5 kid. Discussion stops when I walk over. Campus Clean-up trumps Bragging Rights. 
• The Drama Queen: OMG! I will just die if I don’t get an iPad for Christmas. I am going to kill my mom if she doesn’t take me to the Justin Bieber concert. Gag me. Shoot me. I hate my parents. I hate my brother/sister/stepbrother/stepsister etc ... I hate my hair/my teeth/my nose/my butt etc ... I hate my life. I should just die. 
• The Chair Tilter: This one starts with rocking back and forth. Then discovers it is more fun to see how far one can tilt the chair back before falling and getting a concussion. When he does, his parents sue the school for negligence. And yes! it is usually a boy. For some reason, girls are not Tilters. 
• The Fashionista: This is, duh, no surprise here, a girl. Should a boy in middle school pay attention to his appearance, he will immediately be dubbed ‘gay’. A Fashionista does not care about Failing grades - the F is capitalized here for a reason. She has a manicurist on retainer. She worships at the temples of Juicy Couture and Forever 21. She will wear Ugg boots in 90 degree heat and a tank-top in winter. This wannabe model for Victoria Secret gets hella pissed when given a Dress Code Violation. 
• The Bottle Crinkler: Cousin to the Noise-Maker. Brings a frozen-solid water bottle. Sucks ice, slurps noisily. As the glacier melts, rivulets of water soak textbook and homework. Crinkles empty water bottle and does not (or can not) complain when I ram it down his throat. Just kidding. I can dream, can’t I? 
•  The Excuser: I didn’t have time. I had other homework. I had baseball/soccer/volleyball practice. I left it in my dad’s car. I left it in my mom’s house. I don’t have a pencil. I ran out of paper. My computer doesn’t work. I was sick. My dog was sick. Etc. 
• The Speler (sic): Several of these specimens exist, who cannot copy down homwork from the bord in their english class. Well, hellooo ... that’s what Spell-Check is for. Names are written with lower case, the last name apparently optional. Heck, writing your name on your test is optional! And puh-leeze! Periods and commas are so old school! Contractions are obsolete, as are quotation marks. Why can’t i (sic) dot my i with a heart? And ‘alot’ is not one word, seriously? 

 Stay tuned for the follow-up blog on Categorizing Parents :

•  Parents who think their child is a prodigy.
•  Parents who think schools give too much homework. 
•  Parents who think teachers don’t know anything. 
•  Parents who think theirs is the only child in the classroom. 

 and more.