Ignorance is Bliss

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I shouldn’t have gone to see him. Much as I love the man and have been seeing him for over eighteen years, I had a hunch this relationship was on its way out the door.

But sure as the sun goes up every morning (at least in California), I couldn’t resist and went back to see him this year. Definitely against my better judgement.

“Help! Dr. Ramirezzzz!” I whined. “My body is falling apart.”

Well versed with my theatrics, he didn’t bat an eyelid. “You look fine to me, young lady”, he responded, but checked just to make sure I had not left a trail of decrepit body parts on my way in from the waiting room. And oh, that’s another reason I go...it’s makes a nice change to hear the words ‘young lady’ instead of the ‘old bag’ I am generally accustomed to.

My chart, on the other hand, did not look ‘fine’. He studied the blood report, looked over at me reprovingly and paused. I hate people who pause. The suspense alone is kills me. My husband knows better than to say: You know what? Then an interminable pause, followed by: Never mind. I’ll tell you later. The desire to reach out and squeeze the news out of his throat like a tube of toothpaste is always overpowering. Spit it out already, Doc! The C word? The MS word? Am I dying? How long have I got? What? Whaaat?

Apparently not. I stopped clutching my throat and wiped the sweat from my forehead. It was something to do with my triglycerides. They were high and my thyroid was out of control. What the heck are triglycerides anyway and what the hell are they doing in my body? And what the eff is TSH? Is it missing a vowel? Look, I am sitting on it. Nope, TSH as in Thyroid Stimulus Hormone.

It didn’t end there.

Your blood pressure is also quite high, he continued, wagging his finger at me, the way I do at my Special Ed kids. What’s the big deal? I asked him. The big deal is that you have to lay off the Lays, he scolded, that’s the big deal.

I knew it! I thought again, I should never have come. No news is good news, what I don’t know can’t hurt me, ignorance is bliss, yada, yada, yada. The bliss was turning into a nightmare and the future looked bleak, as I was informed in no uncertain terms that if I did not take care, I could pop a blood vessel … or… have a stroke... or... a CAD, ACS, HF or RF ... or ... I ceased listening as he went into his acronymic medical terminology, which made as much sense to me as E = mc2 . Ok, so I admit I am not a science junkie and have no idea why the equivalence of mass and energy should send people into raptures. And while I am at airing my mental incapacities, I may as well admit I don’t give a rat’s ass about the Gallilean and Newtonian concepts as well. The only reason I try to fathom these convoluted theories is in the event they show up on Jeopardy one day.

Dr. Ramirez (unfortunately) knows me extremely well and he keeps good records – some of them electronic, most of them in his head, especially my confession about the potato chip and the chocolate addictions. Ages ago, I had professed to Doc that ‘Chocolate is my Religion’ and he had said, ‘Go ahead and pray then!’

A decade ago, I had no misgivings about going for my check-up. It would end with a clean bill of health, a pat on the back and even a (sugarless) lollipop on my way out the door. But that was years ago. This is now. And now we were not happy. Now I was being reprimanded as if I had been caught with my hand in the chocolate jar. And pouring salt from the shaker. And eating pasta with alfredo sauce. And bread from the oven.


In the end I left with a little note to my pharmacist about my thyroid and a warning to curtail the chocolates, cheese, pasta, bread and salt... or else ... or else ...aaarrgghh!! he was going to put me on something I feared more than a root canal, something I hated more than coconut ...something I would rather not ingest at any costs...and that is medicine. A bit difficult to admit this to someone in the medical profession, so I nodded meekly and left with only one prescription and a warning.

Sigh!

Dr Ramirez, I think this is the end of a beautiful relationship. I won’t be seeing you again.

Email forward: You know doctors can be so frustrating! You wait a month and a half for an appointment, and then he says, “I wish you had come to me sooner”.